Margaret says

Among the thousands of definitions of Self-esteem the one that has the most resonance with me is as follows…
“…healthy or authentic self-esteem comes from self-trust in your own being to be life affirming, constructive, optimistic, responsible, trusting and trustworthy.”
“…individuals who accept responsibility for their own actions, have integrity, take pride in their accomplishments, who are self-motivated, willing to take calculated risks, able to handle criticism, are loving and lovable, stimulated by worthy and challenging goals and take control of their lives.”
Self-esteem is more than just ’feeling good about one’s self’ it is a particular way of experiencing yourself. It involves emotional intelligence (EQ not IQ) evaluative reasoning and developed cognitive skills. It also involves a disposition to act in accord with the way you have deemed appropriate and not how tradition or consensus necessarily demands.

High self-esteem is not the euphoria or buoyancy that may be induced by a victory, a compliment, a drug or a love affair. Similarly, low self-esteem is not the feelings induced by bad things happening.

To some extent we all have the elements and display them to varying degrees in different circumstances.

1. What are ten signs of low self-esteem?

• You think a lot abo ut yourself and analyse why you are the way you are.

• You are stressed.

• You do not like adversarial situations.

• You do not smile a lot.

• You may be a loner.

• You are tired a lot.

• You have difficulty with trust.

• You do not take risks.

• You create negativity around you.

• You constantly blame yourself for the errors of others.

2. Ten ways to build your self-esteem

• Be on time for everything.

• Be clean. Groom yourself. Nurture yourself. Give to charity.

• Think creatively to find only positive things to say to yourself.

• Keep your conscience clean. Find someone to trust and confess, regularly.

• Take responsibility for something and develop that to yourself.

• Put your needs down in clear simple language. Clarity is important.

• Share something with someone every day.

• Do what you say you will do. This quickly builds trust.

• Tell the truth. Deal in facts only.

• Try to find a special place where you can be at peace for five minutes, daily.

3. What you will feel when your self-esteem begins to grow.

• You will not think about yourself so much and will do less self-analysis

• You will start to have extended periods of just feeling good .

• You will start smiling.

• You will have more energy

• You will be friendlier as will others with you.

• You will start to draw people to you

• You will be more trusting and trusted.

• You will start to take risks

• Inwardly, you are honest and positive with yourself

• Success, small or large, will come to you in some shape or other.

4. The Margaret Stolmack Program for Self-Esteem

The program is drawn from Margaret’s writings in:

Coaching Skills for Managers –CCH Australia Pty Ltd, 2001,
is multi-layered and involves a mixture of Coaching, Mentoring, Workshops, Marketing & Peer group networking. The elements can either be selected independently or woven together to suit the specific needs of the individual and groups.

Importantly the process is soundly based in adult learning processes and has a tailored measuring tool to monitor progress through the program.

The program will develop Support networks for the participants, building a group of confidantes who are on the team.

It will challenge participants on their emotional strengths and understanding, raising awareness and clarifying insights.

• We will identify personal strengths, weaknesses, and work on them.
• We will find a coach and or a mentor.
• We will delve into personal needs, professional needs, address the imbalance of work and play, set goals around relationships, finances, career and social difficulties. We will challenge but not offend. We will challenge but in a supportive way. We will get on the team.
• We will explore the 4 pillars of personal strengths:

• Values

• Needs

• Beliefs

• Goals

We will discover how our self-esteem sits, precariously, on these pillars and relies on them for support.
We will discover that higher self-esteem is the effect of progress in a number of areas of personal growth and discovery

• Taking control of ourselves

• Clarifying our needs

• Determining and setting personal goals to pursue that are in accord with our current situation and values

• Putting honest effort into achieving those goals or being conscious of our progress toward achieving them.

• High self-esteem is a by-product of pursuing personal goals that are in line with our value and needs.

• Research will be presented to show that when people perceive the gap increasing between their ego ideal and self-image they experience stress.

• Our coaching will show 4 ways in which self-esteem can be raised:

• Achievement or mastering something

• Increased power, influence or autonomy

• Being valued, respected, liked or loved

• Acting in line with our values or beliefs

5. Conclusion

People with low self-esteem do not have a clear image of themselves. Their vision is distorted like a fun parlour mirror.

The image they see magnifies their weaknesses and minimizes their assets.

The result of seeing such a distorted vision of themselves is an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy, because they compare so unfavourably.

Paradoxically, their vision of others is far more accurate inasmuch the strengths and weaknesses are seen in sharp focus and the self-image is so flawed by comparison.

People with high self esteem, on the other hand, have a crystal clear vision of themselves. Strengths and weaknesses are acknowledged and accordingly developed.

A qualified Coach can be a means by which a client can draw a accurate self image picture that will not allow under or over estimation, thus allow the process of self development to commence from a sound footing.